you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
