U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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