I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
