I wish my penis had an off switch
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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