Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I need a beard to bite.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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