Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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