I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
