Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
