a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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