I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
