Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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