Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
