The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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