Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
