I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
