the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
