He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
