oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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