Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
