I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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