she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
