Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
