He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
