So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
