I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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