I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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