Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
