so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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