I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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