Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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