I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
