Who did Billy Mays play for?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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