we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
