Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
