My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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