I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just invented taco cereal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
