Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
