Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
