You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
