am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
