I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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