she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
