I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
