i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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