I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I deserve this hangover.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
