i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
