A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
