I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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