I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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