My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
