oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
